For Bailey's Sake

Year one was so trying for us as a family and for me personally.  Because she never slept, I had to hold her for the couple of hours she would drift off.  Most nights were spent in the living room on the couch.  I would have to sit perfectly still.  No change in my breathing could take place, no scratching itches, no yawning, no sneezing...all of this would wake her and we would start all over.  I didn't sleep in my own bed any of that year, and for the majority of the next two years. 

Eventually, we did decide that she would just have to 'cry it out'....yeah, right.  She would scream bloody murder for several hours which kept the entire house up.  So there were times when she would doze off and I would slide into bed with Michael....only to be awakened by her piercing scream again within 20 minutes.  It just wasn't worth it to let her scream another three hours and make everyone else in the house suffer, so off to the living room we would go again.

Everyday was the same old thing.  Bailey was helpless, even at one.  She didn't play with toys, she didn't play with anything except a remote control and an old cell phone.  Once she could sit up unattended, she would just sit there and rock back and forth.....there, but not there.  Daytime wasn't so bad since she really couldn't 'do' anything...But those night hours took their toll on me.

I wish that I could say that these were times that I would pray and seek comfort in the Lord, but I didn't.  Although I never showed it, bitterness and anger was building inside of me.  I was tired, I was spent, I felt alone, I felt like my rope was unwinding and that I was dangling on one of its threads.  My heart was beginning to get hard....and it would only get worse.