For Bailey's Sake

There are three of me, you know?!  I have tri-polar! HA!  The GOOD, THE SAD AND THE UGLY.  Allow me to explain....

The GOOD:

-I love the way Bailey still has that 'baby' smell.

-I enjoy that fact that she says 'mama' a lot

-I love that she loves to cuddle with me

-Potty training has gotten so much better!

-Bailey has the most amazing blue eyes

-She also has an award winning smile

-Her hugs are awesome

-Bailey loves life

-She's no where near as aggressive as she used to be

-she rarely seizes anymore

-I love the smell of her hair

-She has a family who surrounds her with love and protection

-She has a church family who accepts her, not just putting up with her

-My heart melts when she wants to hold my hand

-I am well aware that God still performs miracles and that her healing could happen any day!

The SAD:

-I'm afraid that 'mama' may be as far as she ever gets verbally.  I am scared that I will never hear her speak in a complete sentence.  I want to hear her ask for juice or say "I love you". 

-I am worried that this potty training will always be just that, "training".  will she ever initiate having to go?  Will she always have to rely on my to clean her messes?  I am fearful of having a special needs woman one day who may 'go' on herself in public.

-What will her adult life be like?  Once she is grown, people will change the way they respond to her.  Right now, her flapping arms, spitting, staring, shuffling cards, meltdowns, etc are surpassed by her flaming red hair, bright blue eyes, porcelain skin, and sweet afffection.  This wont be so when she is an adult.  If seen in public flapping her arms for no apparent reason, people will avoid her, stop and go the other way, make rude comments, laugh.  I am completely frightened of that

-I break down when i watch her watching other kids play.  It is these times that I realize Bailey will never have real friends.  She will never be invited to a sleep over, never have a best friend to paint toenails with, never experience being on a team, never get picked to play with a group of kids, never have a pillow fight with a group of silly teenage girls, never marry and bare children.  So many nevers consumes me at times.  It consumes me to the point that I suffocate in it.  My chest feels heavy, my heart even heavier. 

-I dread her teenage years when she will be made fun of and the butt of many 'retard' jokes.  Although she would never be the wiser, I will know...and I will  hurt for her.

The UGLY:

-She says 'mama' 9264 times a day.....I'm sure it's at least that many times, if not more.  It's all she EVER says. EVER.  It is universal for everything from 'im hungry' to 'im mad' to 'i need help'.

-She walks up the steps in the hallway every 4.932 minutes then refuses to come down on her own thus calling us to come get her. 

-  She expects Barney to playing 24/7.  I despise that purple dinosaur....may he burn forever in eternity.

-She stands right in front of me when I am talking, thus making me unable to see the person I am talking to.

-She lashes out at people for no reason.

-In public, she will refuse to hold my hand, then refuses to walk....just standing there, eventually sitting down and assuming a lounging position on the floor of whatever store I may be in.

-I get frustrated when she poops on herself.  Cleaning an 8 year old who doesn't want to be cleaned is hard work.
-I get tired of not having down time.  Never can I not be watching, not be observing what she is doing.  It's much like having a toddler around.  Can't just assume she knows not to touch hot things, she doesn't know that.  Can't trust that she won't grab a sharp object and not know how to keep herself safe because she can't be.
-I become weary of  'tending' to her.  That's right.  It becomes very stressful.  I'm not gonna lie or make it seem like it's a joy ALL of the time.  Is it always horrible, no...remember, this is just the ugly side.

That's right...I am all three.  Sometimes I am all three every day.  Other times I may only be one of them or two of them.  They contradict one another.  They do not get along well.  But it is who I am.  I am allowed this flood of emotions and will not let anyone tell me otherwise!