You HAVE to read the ENTIRE note...

So, yesterday's note was a bit of a bummer....I am fully aware of that.  But as I have said before, I wanted to be able to share it ALL with you.  Not just the good days, not all the sunshine and roses.    ALL.OF.IT.

So, I have.  There are posts that are uplifting and there are those that certainly are not.  Be sure that I do not post anything in order to receive sympathy or gain attention from anyone.  I just really want to post the truth, from a mother's heart, from a born again Christian who knows God is in control, but who is still flesh and who still is growing and learning as a child of God each day.

That being said, I have a wonderful announcement to make!  There will be those who will read the following and simply say it was coincidence, but I KNOW Who did it!  I know Who is worthy to receive all glory and praise.

This morning I took Bailey potty when she woke up, just like I do every day...she pooped a bit. (again, not hiding all the wonderful details with any of you! ;) )  I got her completely dressed and she got whiney.  I tried giving her a drink. NO.  Barney. NO.  Music. NO.  Cards. NO.  She walked over to the step that leads to the bathroom and she leaned on the wall.  "Maaaaamaaaaaaa" (over and over).  I was getting aggravated with her by this point.  I could not figure out what she wanted.

Then she stood at the bottom of the step and pointed up and whined.  Could it be???  No.  Certainly not.  Well, i will just do it anyway and see.  I asked her, "Do you need to go potty?"  Her body language (you have to know her) said yes.  So up we go to the potty.  And can you believe it????  (drum roll please)  She pooped!  That's right people....

BAILEY DYAN WIGGINS LET ME KNOW THAT SHE NEEDED TO GO POTTY!

It was not only an answer to prayer, but a reminder to me that God is still on the throne and (like Bro. Daniel reminded me) He hears the prayers of His saints!  (can I get an Amen?!)

hello blog peeps!  i am so sorry for having neglected this blog....i HAVE been blogging, but on facebook.  so i am importing all of those today.  so take into consideration that these have been written over a period of a few weeks!

BLAH!

That's right, BLAH!  That's all I have to say about it.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  Sometimes I feel so proactive, confident, and sure things will progress and then there are times when I just feel BLAH about the whole situation.

Bailey's first day of school was yesterday.  Last year she had three classmates.  Two with autism and one with downs.  We were the first to arrive.  I asked her new teacher if all the kids were returning this year.  Well, the two boys with autism were 'promoted', 'moved up'....they have PROGRESSED.  Bailey is the oldest one in the class, at only a week from being 9 years old. I wonder when she will move on, as she should be in 3rd grade.

Her body is aging, moving on, while her mind is at a stand still.  NO PROGRESS.  In fact, I cannot think of any progress she has made withing two years.  Do you hear me?  TWO YEARS....NO PROGRESS.  For those with only normal children it may be hard to understand the importance of this.  But we (the wiggins family) live with it each day.  Almost like that movie where the guy wakes up to the same day every morning....the same thing each day.

And it is not 'her fault', I do not blame her nor do I blame her teachers (they do their best), I guess I don't blame anyone....it just really stinks sometimes.

So what would I consider progress?  ANYTHING!  Maybe learning a new sign, initiatng the need to go potty, anything at this point.  Granted, some of her formal skills have improved: feeding herself, her ability to understand.  But nothing new.  Two whole years and no big "AHA" moment with her.

It just saddens me.  I have begun to research a little about MR (mental retardation) since that was how the school psycologist labeled her.  I will post a note about that later.

joy

It begins small and creeps in upon us unaware.  We are affected immediately by its presence and there is no way of escape.  And before we know it, we too are caught up in this mass hysteria known as The Joy Of Bailey. 

Seriously, there is nothing more infectious in our home than when Bailey gets a case of the giggles.  She has this raspy smokers laugh that is hearty and oh so sincere.  She doubles over, her whole body is tense and her eyes get all squinty.  Her big ole Spongebob Teeth are quite prominent and her cheeks are raised to great heights.  Her breathing nearly comes to a complete stand still and there is not one fiber of her body that is not affected.

And more times than not, we have absolutely NO idea what brings on these fits. We will all just be sitting around and then she will just explode in heavy laughter.   I believe that the Lord has simply placed a joy in her heart and that He uses her to bless us (and others).

This God given joy makes my heart happy because it is an outward manifestation that through all the other struggles in her life she has been given an enormous truck load of pure happiness!  What a blessing!

There are days...

There are days when Bailey can be so super sweet: she wants to hug and kiss all over us, she laughs and talks a lot, she is content watching Barney and shuffling cards. The gleam in her eye is breath taking, her smile is addictive and her quirks are so silly and innocent.

Then there are days like today....

Days when, no matter what we try, nothing makes her happy. She is in attack mode all day. She screams about everything. Nothing pleases her.

The whole house tries so hard to satisfy her. The other kids put their wants on hold in order to help make her happier. They suffer the scratches and kicks that her outbursts bring. It's like the whole day is spent on her.... in vain. We all look tired and give out. I know personally days like today make me tired....tired physically (as i have given her 2 baths today) and tired mentally (as the non stop...seriously, non stop...screaming goes unappeased)

It takes all we have some days to make it with our sanity. I take small reprieves in the bathroom...in other words, I hide there for five minutes at a time. It is there that I pray. It is there that I seek wisdom from God on how to deal with the stress that she brings at times without becoming resentful and having bad feelings toward her. It is there that I take a moment to let out a few tears, as I do not want to show vulnerability...I have to be strong, I have to 'man up' and just 'deal with it'.

Here in this small room is where I come face to face with my fears...
will I ever know a time that I do not have to help her onto the potty?
will I ever eat a meal without having to feed her as well?
will I ever just say good-night to her and she puts herself to bed?
will I always have to get myself and her dressed each day?
will I always have to make sure her teeth are brushed and hair is combed?

Am I being selfish??? Yes, and I know that. But these are things that enter into my mind on days like this, these days when I feel that I am spent, that there is no more compassion left inside of me, that all of my attempts at making her life better are shattering into a million pieces, when I feel that there is no way for me to break that wall, that barrier that separates me from her own little world.

And these are the times that, once she is put to bed and I reflect on the day and how exhausted I am and how it seems that my future only holds more and more of these same days, that I remember that God gave her to me (and Michael) and that her very life is in our hands. I am then reminded that I have no time for self pity and pouty lips. I repent and ask for a special measure of grace and for the next day to be better, and if it isn't then for extra grace and love and compassion and patience. All because I know that...

There are days

They Must Really Love Her

Bailey is getting older, taller and heavier....she's simply getting bigger. And with this physical growth, her emotions and lack of controlling them also grows. We have had VBS all week, which means her routine was anything but. I was teaching a class, so I couldn't be with her the whole time.

There are ladies in our church who take on the responsibility of caring for Bailey without thought. They naturally tend to her and see that she is protected and happy. That sounds all warm and fuzzy, but it can be the total opposite. Bailey can be.. ..for a lack of a better word....difficult to deal with. She doesn't think twice about screaming if unhappy, scratching when unnerved and hitting anytime she deems necessary.

These sweet ladies patiently reprimand her (usually with no luck) and deal with her with so much love. I know that if it were me dealing with someone else's child, I wouldn't be so nice. But I watch them even when they don't know I am. They never yell at her or even sound angry. They calmly talk to her and try to appease her.

Of course, during this time she is usually just staring at them and continuing to misbehave. It seems like all of their efforts are in vain.

I never have to worry about Bailey while at church. I know that these ladies will come to her aid and are prepared to put up with her antics although she can show no signs of gratitude. I do appreciate them. And I know that

They Must Really Love Her!

Dear HEB Shopper....

Dear HEB Shopper,
I enjoy a relaxing stroll through the grocery store as much as anyone, so I feel that I must apologize for ruining your shopping experience today. I could tell from the ifsheweremychildshewouldnt

actthatway look in your eyes that my handicapped daughter was getting under your skin.
I am so sorry that I thought I could take my child into that store without being stared at with pious eyes and and having harsh judgment passed upon us as we walked down each aisle. Your body language was certainly loud and clear as I had to nearly drag Bailey down the aisle as she wailed in rebellion, scratching my arms until blood was surfacing. Her desire for lunch had overcome her ability to mind her manners. And my patience was beginning to wear thin as you seemed to be publicly stalking me to find another way to prove my inability to control my child.
Who was I to think that perhaps compassion would be applied rather than shesanunfitmother glares. I will be sure next time to choose from a wide variety of discipline: a) drug her before going b) perhaps borrow a straight jacket and dog muzzle c) or even handcuff her and staple her lips shut
These are just a few suggestions so as to not interfere with your precious trip to the grocery store next time.

Thank You

****severe sarcasm must be applied while reading!